Have you ever caught yourself saying things to yourself that you would never say to another person? Things like, Why can’t you get it together? or You’re such a failure. Imagine if a close friend shared with you that they’d made a mistake at work or forgotten an important deadline. Would you respond by calling them useless? Of course not. And yet, so many of us default to this harsh inner dialogue when it comes to ourselves. Why do we do this? And more importantly, how can we stop?

The Endless Loop of Self-Criticism

It’s astonishing how quickly we can spiral into self-criticism. For me, it can start with something as small as misplacing my keys. Before I know it, my brain is holding a full-blown court case, finding evidence for every time I’ve been “careless” or “disorganized” in my entire life. And for what? Misplaced keys.

It turns out, this tendency to be hard on ourselves often stems from a mix of fear and high expectations. Many of us grew up believing that being self-critical was the path to improvement—a kind of tough-love strategy to motivate ourselves to do better. And sometimes, it works. We push ourselves harder, we accomplish more, and we feel a fleeting sense of relief. But in the long run, self-criticism creates an exhausting cycle that chips away at our self-esteem.

A Moment of "Not Enough"

Recently, I had one of those days where everything seemed to go wrong. I had a deadline at work, my laundry was well over due, and I’d forgotten to call a friend back. That evening, instead of cutting myself some slack, I ended up mentally berating myself: Why can’t you be more organized? You’re letting everyone down. You should be better than this.

Sound familiar? The reality is, we all have moments when life piles up and we can’t meet every expectation. But instead of acknowledging that we’re human, we turn on ourselves as if being "perfect" is the baseline we’re supposed to hit every day. Here’s the thing—it isn’t.

What if we shifted the script? What if, instead of tearing ourselves down, we spoke to ourselves the way we’d comfort a friend? For me, this shift started with a very simple question: Would I talk to someone I love this way? The answer was always no. And that realization hit me hard.

Where Does This Inner Critic Come From?

For many of us, the root of our inner critic is deeply tied to our past experiences. Maybe we grew up in environments where praise was conditional, tied to achievements or "being good." Or perhaps society’s obsession with productivity and perfection has shaped our self-worth. Either way, it’s easy to internalize the idea that we need to constantly prove our value by being flawless.

But here’s the truth: perfection is an illusion. And tying your self-worth to something unattainable only guarantees one thing—a perpetual sense of failure. No one—not your boss, not your family, not even your dog—expects you to be perfect. So why do we demand it of ourselves?

How to Be Kinder to Yourself

So, what can we do about it? How do we break free from the habit of being so hard on ourselves? Here are a few practical strategies that have helped me, and they might help you too:

1. Practice Self-Compassion
   This might sound like a buzzword, but it’s incredibly powerful. When you’re tempted to criticize yourself, pause and ask: What would I say to a friend in this situation? Replace the harsh words with something more supportive. For example, instead of saying, I’m so bad at this, try saying, I’m learning, and that’s okay.

2. Reframe Your Mistakes
   Mistakes aren’t proof that you’re a failure—they’re proof that you’re trying. Instead of fixating on what went wrong, focus on what you can learn from the experience. Ask yourself, What’s one thing I can do differently next time?

3. Set Realistic Expectations
   Sometimes we’re hard on ourselves simply because we’re asking too much. Take a look at your to-do list. Is it packed with impossible demands? Give yourself permission to prioritize, delegate, or even let some things go. You’re not a machine, and that’s a good thing.

4. Celebrate Small Wins
   It’s easy to overlook the small victories when we’re so focused on what we’re not doing. But those little moments—like sending an email you’ve been putting off or choosing to rest instead of overworking—matter. Acknowledge them. They’re proof that you’re moving forward, even if it’s just one step at a time.

5. Talk Back to Your Inner Critic
   When that negative voice pipes up, challenge it. Is what it’s saying really true? Is forgetting one deadline truly evidence that you’re a failure? The more you question your inner critic, the less power it holds over you.

Simply Put

Here’s what I’ve learned: being kind to yourself isn’t about letting yourself off the hook or ignoring areas for growth. It’s about recognizing that you are worthy of compassion, even when you mess up. Especially when you mess up.

Life is hard enough without us turning against ourselves. So, the next time you catch yourself in the act of self-criticism, pause. Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can, and that’s more than enough.

Because you deserve to be treated with the same kindness you so willingly offer to others. And who knows? Once you start being a little gentler with yourself, you might just discover how much lighter life feels.